insta-gone

[This may seem like a repeat, but I wanted to tell this moment anyway.]

Today I ended my ten year relationship with Instagram.  

The trial separation really was what I needed.

In 2012, I started my account when living in New York City.  It was a new and simple way to celebrate beautiful moments.  It documented my life as I moved to back to Indiana, to Portland and eventually found my home in Alaska.  I earned a Master’s degree, met my spouse, and became a mother in that decade of life.

It started out as one or two small moments of my day, but then it slowly started creeping into more and more.  The platform changed.  I put it on timers, and tightened my followings. This year it became like a deafening noise.  

I didn’t like the panic it put me in. It created a frenzy of scrolling.  It has been a challenging year professionally.  And the stress of it led me to want more and more of the dopamine that social media is so good at producing.  Suddenly I realized that I was adding strangers voices to my already chaotic, exhausted mind.

The tipping point was certainly the organization’s policies and practices coming to light in October.  Knowing that people in power knew the harm it was bringing young, highly-influenceable minds gave me the strength to say no in my own life.

It has been over three months since my last log-in.  It was hard at first.  I felt like I was missing out.   Then I realize a full spectrum of behaviors that this app was influencing my life.  They slowly began to shift toward what I wanted and needed.  I started living moments and not documenting them for sharing later.  I take photos with a camera.  I leave my phone at home.  I send personal messages and focus on nurturing relationships.  I am selective and only send photos and stories about my child to people that care deeply about him.  My conversations have stopped starting with, “I saw this post…”  

Today I went on to pick up the box of stuff left behind, a download of all of my data. (Yes, you can do that.)

Upon log-in, I saw all the posts.  All the little blue circles at the top full of new information.  But I wasn’t interested.  I didn’t even want to start clicking or scrolling.  I didn’t need it.  My decision was set.

After securing and checking my data download, I deleted.

It felt like such a weight lifted.  

I have silence and space to move on.